Just another Tuesday!

So here I sit, "working" with several things heavily on my mind. I've had a difficult time trying to define the purpose of starting this blog. I've spent over a month since my "first" official blog trying to figure out what the heck it is that I'm going to blog about. Today it hit me! I don't have to have a purpose, or a defined reason or topic to blog about - I can blog about what ever I want!

The last 32 years of my life have been about learning about other people, and I need to learn who I "really" am. Aside from my kids, and trying to be the best mommy AND best wife to my husband - WHO AM I?

Who am I? Today I'm emotional!

I was going through some old files and I came across a picture of my childhood home. I was raised by a single hard working mom, she sacrificed so much, working 12 hour days, commuting 2 hours each way so she could make a little more money. Seemed that some days we rarely saw her. BUT somehow she was ALWAYS there for us. Her goals were to create stability for my brother and I in a nice house with a big yard in the suburbs where she lived in for over 20 years. Finding this picture made my miss my mom. Really miss her. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, remember her funny sayings, see something that reminds me of her. Sometimes I even say something, or do something that is her coming through me. BUT today, I just broke down and cried - sobbed more like it. I clearly envision the day she died, almost three years ago. I realized since that day, I AM a different person. While the appearance on the outside is the same, inside I have fallen apart. I lost my best friend that day, so many things left unsaid or undone - I always thought I'd have more "TIME". What is time? There's never enough of it, where does it go? That house holds so many wonderful heart filling times. Funny how when you are "living" day to day - the time passes and it isn't until you look back that you realize that memories were made that day. She gave me so many memories. Good memories. Again she was my best friend!! I've know that I changed the day she died, but today it became very clear to me.

Why this is a totally random post, part of who I am, is who my mom was. She was loving, caring, nurturing and shy. Like me, I think she always felt like she was a fly on the wall and no one really cared that she was here on earth. I feel invisible often, partly due to my shyness...of which I've tried to "break out" of. Once I'd asked her what her greatest accomplishment was in life, she told me it was me, raising her daughter. I want that to be one of my greatest accomplishments too...but I've decided to dream bigger, and part of that is finding out "Who I am".